I can remember my mom telling me that I was so hard as a baby. I was always crying and wouldn’t sleep. I also kept her in labor for 13 painful hours. I was selfish, and I never offered to help because I only thought of myself. Finally, I was messy and no man would ever want to marry me.
These were some of the things my mom would say mid-argument, or when she was at her wits end with me. I really believed these things, and when it came time to get serious with a man, It was my preference to send them packing, for I was unlovable. I was damaged goods, and no man in his right mind would choose me for a partner.
It wasn’t until I watched Ru Paul’s beautiful masterclass and he said this: “Healing old wounds is about telling your inner child the truth- whatever happened wasn’t about you – it was about that other person’s shit they had going “
that I realized all that shit my mom said was never really about me. She was a stressed out, exhausted, and sad working single parent. She had the weight of the world on her shoulders. I can clearly see that now. With that understanding, I’ve also found a new sense of compassion for how clearly stressed out my mom was. I only wish I would have just hugged her, and known that wasn’t really how she felt about me.